Hi there. I am Hope and I am 18 years old. I am hoping I am new to some of the people reading this, because when I publish this post I am going to ask one thing of every reader: share this with one person. Just one. Whether it will help them or not, I want this to reach the RIGHT people. I am always one for quality over quantity, and if this post only gets to three people, as long as at least one of them needed to read what I am about to type, my job is done at the end of the day. So, like I said, I am 18 years old. To a lot of people (especially adults) they will most likely assume that I haven’t been through very much to give a thorough insight to the world. However, I would have to respectfully disagree with them. I have been through a lot in my opinion. One of those things is suicidal thoughts, and on one September day in my freshman year of high school, a suicide attempt. (PS that is me in the featured image, so here’s a spoiler alert: IT GETS BETTER AND I MEAN IT)
I want to tell everyone reading this, no matter your age, sex, race, beliefs, or sexuality. I want to tell you that IT GETS BETTER. I know, it is super cliche and something you hear so often. You are probably on your last limb, pushing so hard against all odds, against your brain and thoughts. You want to give up. You don’t want to breathe another second, and someone you barely know is telling you the most used phrase in the book? “It gets better”? A huge difference I might have from other people who has said that phrase before is I am a walking and living and breathing EXAMPLE and DEMONSTRATION of that exact phrase. I have been in your shoes, multiple times in my life. I know the feeling of waking up in the morning and just being mad for waking up. I know how it feels to hurt to breathe from drowning in feeling numb all the time. I know.
***TRIGGER WARNING*** ****SUICIDAL IDEATION***
In September, I remember hurting. I remember hurting so bad I didn’t even hurt anymore. I was self harming almost every night and I didn’t see a reason to go on. I was drowning in school work and every time I wanted to smile or laugh or pretend nothing was going on in my brain, I wanted to scream and escape my own body. I was becoming someone I never wanted to become, and I knew I had to do something about it. I didn’t talk to anyone before I grabbed the pills from the cabinets. I didn’t tell anyone when I was laying in my bed dry swallowing pill after pill, different brands and different strengths of every pill. I lost count after a while and I didn’t even care what pills I was taking. I just kept taking, and taking, and taking. I wanted to die that Thursday night. I wanted to give up. I wanted the numb feeling to go away, I wanted to feel something that cutting wasn’t giving me anymore. I wanted to die. I can honestly say that I wanted to die.
However..something cut on inside of my brain. To this day, I can’t tell you what that exact thing was. My guess (and assumption) was God. I was laying there, waiting to take my final breath. Something moved my little legs to the living room, where my mom was waiting on me to get ready for dance. A lot of this night is a blur to me, partly because of the pills, and partly because I tried to block it out of my memory I’m guessing. I just told her, “I took pills. I took a lot of pills.” She asked me what I meant, I brought her the bottles. “I want to die.”
We went to the hospital and I was admitted almost immediately. I hadn’t cried at all since this whole ordeal started. I was asked by different hospital employees why I had done something like this..I didn’t speak at all. I met an amazing nurse (that I am still trying to get into contact to today to fully thank her for everything) who told me a part of her story, she had done the same thing I had when she was 16. She told me that I never needed to do what I did again. She prepared charcoal for me (never. again. that was so disgusting) and then the crying started. My brain cut on and was like YOOOO WYD GIRL???? I realized what I had done. I wanted to go home. I wouldn’t see my home for another week. That night was long and tiring. I remember talking to a man really late at night and he told me what I was terrified of hearing since I had started going to therapy years prior: “We are going to admit you.” I don’t know if I was just scared of what would entail, or if I didn’t want help, I just knew I didn’t want to be admitted. I didn’t want to leave my mom’s side. I knew I was hurting inside and I needed help, but I was terrified for the actual “helping” part.
My stay in the Psychiatric Ward that week is honestly a long blur of tears and self harm urges and missing my phone. I try not to think about it much. It helped me in medication and doctor ways, but besides that, I wasn’t helping myself like I should have been. I was getting in the way of my own recovery. I had become addicted to the suicidal thoughts and self harming. I felt that nobody cared about me. When I got home at the end of my stay, I remember having at least a hundred messages from family and people at school, sending me their prayers and well wishes. I had never felt like I was cared for like that in years. I don’t think it was the actual experience of my suicidal attempt that pushed my recovery, I think it was more so the support I realized I had that I never noticed before (because I was drowning in my own self pity and sadness) and what ultimately saved me from my thoughts was Jesus. JESUS, y’all.
I understand if you skipped through my story part. I understand if you don’t want to hear the inspirational crap just yet. Its hard to see someone doing so well when you are feeling so low. When the whole world seems against you. When it hurts to breathe. When you can’t even talk about your thoughts because of fear or feeling humiliated or something like that. Here is another cliche saying for you, dear reader: Suicide is not the answer. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I promise you that. It feels like everything is over, nothing is worth it, school is too hard and overwhelming, you will never find someone to love again, you will be unemployed for your whole life..whatever your battle is, I promise, double triple pinky promise you (this is very important to me) that it WILL GET BETTER. I have been in your shoes before! It feels like the days are endless with feelings of sadness or anger or numbness but not all your days will be filled with these feelings! If I would have just laid in my bed in 2013, a freshman in high school, with all those pills in my system, I wouldn’t have graduated high school. I wouldn’t have found my love for kids. I wouldn’t have made the Dean’s List in my freshman year of college. I wouldn’t have found the love of my life. So many amazing things happened after the moment I thought that my life was about to come to a close.
Feeling suicidal can be like tunnel vision. You only see what is straight ahead of you, nothing around or behind you. You only see what you want at that exact moment:to make the pain stop. You don’t see your family and friends around you, aching for you and wanting to help you. You don’t see what amazing things could happen in your future if you just keep holding on. You don’t remember the awesome things that have happened in your life. You only see the immediate front of you. However, you got to push your vision outward. Bring in the peripheral vision, the memories of good things in your past.
It gets better, my love.
“Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting any better.” – Unknown
“If you are looking for a sign not to kill yourself, this is it.” – Unknown
“Place your hand over your heart, can you feel it? That is called purpose. You’re alive for a reason so don’t ever give up.” – Unknown
“The person who completes suicide, dies once. Those left behind die a thousand deaths, trying to relive those terrible moments and understand … Why?” – Clark (2001)
I am a believer of Jesus, beautiful reader. So I have a couple bible verses that always help me when I am feeling down and might help you while you are feeling so low right now.
- Deuteronomy 31:6 Be STRONG and COURAGEOUS. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD YOUR GOD who goes WITH you! He will not leave you or forsake you!
- Micah 7:8 …when I sit in darkness, the LORD will be a LIGHT to me.
- James 1:2-3 Count it all JOY, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, (3) for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.
- steadfastness: firmly fixed, reliable, sureness
- 1 John 2:14 …you are STRONG, and the word of God abides in you, and you have OVERCOME the evil one.
- 1 John 3:20 for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and He knows EVERYTHING. (especially how amazing your life will become after these hard times are over!!!)
At the end of the day, you are loved. If you feel that nobody loves you, you got two people on your side. Me, and the Lord. He is the ultimate God to have on your team! The Lord holds and sustains and cares for us like nobody else can. He is always there to speak with on the late nights and early mornings, He is a shoulder to cry on, He is never going to leave you.
The National Suicide Prevention Hotline number is 1-800-273-8255, and is available 24/7 on the phone or on chat. Please, if you are ever concerned for yourself or another person, call this number. We need you on this earth to make amazing things, to sing in the shower, to buy cute clothes, to post funny puns on social media, whatever it be that you do to make life fun, we need you for it. Take it from me, please. It will get better, beautiful person reading this. It always gets better. When nothing seems right, go left. Find new friends. Pray. Dance. Cry it out. Call a friend. Paint or draw or write or do whatever you need. Therapy is okay. Medications are okay. Getting help is OKAY. I promise you, sweet adorable lovely reader, one day, this will be apart of your story. Your story of recovery I hope. Still, your story can not end. Please, if you are looking for any sign not to take your own life, this is it! I love you, please stay alive okay? We can get coffee and talk about your favorite animal and we can take cute snapchat selfies. We can’t do that if you aren’t alive. So stay alive, precious reader. I promise you if you keep pushing, it will be worth it one day when you are looking back on the day you almost gave up, but didn’t. And you come to the realization of how strong you were to not give up. To keep pushing. To break free of your prison of bad thoughts.
I love you. The Lord loves you more than I could ever imagine.
Stay alive another day. When that day is over, reread the first part of this sentence.