Hey there, so last time we talked I think I was raving about college and how much better it was than high school. Don’t get me wrong, I still love college. I love the breaks I get in the middle of the day. I love the freedom. I love not having to wake up at 6 everyday. On the less positive side, I don’t like being away from home all the time. I miss my own bed, I miss my pets and my mom. I miss Vince. I miss my friends and having plans. I want my own room again. I also miss the break from people. I am a very social and outgoing person, but coming to college has made me realize how I am inverted when I want to be. I don’t want to constantly talk and laugh with people, and at college there is no in-between for me anymore.
Let’s just say, I have been spending a lot more time alone lately. I have been bad about it too, isolating myself and not even trying to be social or meet new people. I have been in a little of a slump I would say. I had a long conversation with my mom a couple weeks ago that ended in me having a breakdown and crying at the thought of coming back next semester. There is no possibility of transferring because of financial reasons, and it broke my heart to face that reality. I have been struggling for a good month now with just loneliness, sadness, and isolation. My grades are fine and classes are going good, but that’s about all that is good here at the moment.
Imagine something with me for a moment. Pretend this is what a day looks like for you.
It’s Monday. You wake up at 8:30. Get ready, brush your teeth, put on pair of sweatpants, and go to your 9AM class.
10:00am you come back to your dorm and go back to lay in your bed until your next class.
12:00pm you have history. It’s the only time you have left your room this afternoon. Before that, you were laying in your bed either sleeping still or watching Netflix.
1:00 you are not back in your room, but in the sub place on campus, getting a sub. The sub lady knows your order: 6 inch ham on white bread. Can I get chips and cookies? Kettle cooked chips. Chocolate chip cookie. Thank you. I know I can make this in my room. Have a good day.
1:15 you crawl back into bed and eat your sandwich. You drink your lemonade.
2:00 is your English class. You dread going and wish you could just take a nap. However, you actually dig this class because you know people in this class and it’s a super easy subject.
You usually get out early, so now it’s about 2:30ish. Guess where you go back to? Your room. You don’t feel tired because you haven’t really done much to become tired. However, you take a nap anyways because you don’t have anything else to do.
4:00ish you wake up and enjoy the bliss of your covers for a little bit. You probably FaceTime Vince if he’s not asleep or busy. After a while, you realize that you should probably do something before you die of boredom. You get up and do some sort of yoga, stretching, honestly whatever will get you out of your head for at least 45 minutes. You just put on the music and focus on the pulling and blood flowing through your muscles.
All your texts are from friends back home and your mom, which isn’t a problem-but they aren’t there with you. It’s just not the same.
Around 6:00 you go to get another sub. You start on school work. The rest of your night is just laying around and working on school work here and there. Sometimes a bible study reaches you but sometimes it slips your mind completely.
Shower, brush teeth, all that jazz. Usually you hit the bed again around 11-12ish.
Then the next day, repeat.
I am not trying to get pity from anyone. I’m not trying to get anyone to feel bad for me. That’s the last thing I want. I’m not really sure what the point of this blog post is. Maybe just an update? The short answer for “how is school going?” is just “Good. All A’s and B’s!” Nothing to elaborate because I don’t personally like knowing that I am a lame-o who doesn’t really have friends at college. I have never really had this problem before. If I was feeling lonely, at least it wasn’t too obvious because I could separate my school/social activities and home. Here, my school, social activities, and home life are all bundled together. My mom said it was me transitioning and getting used to not being busy all the time like I was in high school, and I see her way in that, but sadly it doesn’t make these feelings suck any less.
How I am getting through the sucky parts? I can’t really fully answer that to be honest with you. I’m taking it day by day. I’m sitting outside right now in the middle of campus writing this instead of sitting in my dorm writing it. I’m not walking around with headphones in my ears. I’m staying positive (for the most part). I’m being honest with myself about my feelings. Like the title said, I am making frequent trips home basically every weekend. I know these things are temporary and one day none of this alone time I have will matter, but right now it matters.
I know that not all parts of my life will be exciting, fun, and sunshiney.
This is to be continued…