Death will always be the most confusing thing for me. The unreal feeling that comes from it, the way that this person was living and breathing and laughing and having feelings-but in one moment, its all gone.
One of my old friends passed away this past weekend. We hadn’t talked in at least a year. Once she graduated, we lost contact and we moved on with both of our lives. We only saw each other on social media, giving each other likes and favorites here and there.
A part of me has guilt-why didn’t I talk to her more? Why did I let us lose contact when she left high school? Why didn’t I tell her I loved her more? All of the why questions are in my head. The hurt is definitely still fresh, the sadness is still settling in as denial is being melted away from me. I’m in disbelief, I am confused, I am hurt. And I miss her.
Death-no matter who it is, it all hurts. Thinking about somebody’s life being over, especially so early, is heartbreaking. There are so many emotions that come from it. Anger, denial, sadness, hurt, confusion, avoidance. People grieve differently. Some want to be left alone, some want to pretend it didn’t happen, it just depends on the person. Some will have guilt and ask the same why and what if questions I have been asking myself. Some will blame themselves, or even God. When you are hurting from the inside out, there is almost no logic coming from you. You become raw and vulnerable to the world.
To you who is in Heaven:
I miss you every day. I think of you constantly and think about what it was like to have you on the Earth and in my life.
I don’t like life without you. Dad, Carrie, Davis, Bubby, Pop, Aunt Roberta, Aunt El, Great Papa. I don’t like going day to day knowing you aren’t with me, just a phone call and a hug away. Death is one of the worst things ever. Death took you away from me.
I know you are Heaven, and I hope you are proud of me. I hope you know that I think of you every day that I breathe. That when I accomplish something, I celebrate with not only the humans down here with me, I celebrate with you in Heaven too.
I know you are looking over me. I feel safe in your arms, even if I can’t physically feel your arms around me anymore.
God: I don’t know why you took my person away. I don’t know why you’re doing what you’re doing right now. I don’t know. But I do know you have a plan for me. I know there is sunshine after the storm. I know that you can’t have the ups without the downs. I know that you do things for our good, even if we can’t see it now. I’ll be honest with you God, I hurt a lot. I am sometimes angry with you. I don’t understand and sometimes I want to forget that you do things like this for my own good. I want to sit in my anger and hurt and wish for the person back, even though they can’t come back.
To you who is in Heaven: I can only say one thing to you right now, but one day when we meet again, I will have a million things to tell you. But for right now, never forget that I loved you when you were here, and I will never stop loving you. I can’t wait to see you again one day. Please continue looking over me. I miss you. See you soon.
- Revelation 14:13 “Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.” “Blessed indeed,” says the Spirit, “that they may rest from their labors, for their deeds follow them!”
- 1 Thessalonians 4:14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.
- Romans 14:8 For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.