My scars, undoubtedly, are a huge part of my testimony as a christian. The other night a friend asked me, do I hate my scars? I don’t think anyone has ever asked me that question before. The short answer is yes and no-it depends on the day for me, if that makes sense.
For those who do not know my testimony, I have been battling self harm since 6th grade. I have many scars on different parts of my body, including arms, stomach, thighs, and more. They are pretty darn noticeable and I have been bouncing around the idea to get different tattoos to cover them up for awhile now. (probably will not happen).
Like I said, some days I love my scars. They make up my story and show off who I once was and what I used to do before I found Jesus. They represent my testimony. I can relate with people going through what I once went through. However, there are definitely days I hate them. People stare, they question and wonder what the scars are from. I feel self conscious talking about them sometimes, almost embarrassed for some reason. I sometimes feel guilt and sadness that I let myself go through such a hard time, I wish it didn’t happen. I even goes far as wishing I couldn’t relate people going through self harm, just because of how painful I know it is.
For me personally, self harm is an awkward subject. It’s become less of a taboo subject in the last couple of years, but its definitely not the first thing you think about when you meet someone new. Some people are more open than others about their battles, and I am pretty much an open book about my past. I have a blog about it and write about it for a lot of people to see. I guess I kind of have to be an open book about these kind of things. For a long while, I used the subject of self harm for pity and attention. However, as I got older and had the realization that I, lil ole me, could help people, I used my past to relate. And to help. And to testify. Even if the person reading this does not and has never battled with self harm, I know for a fact that everyone reading my words has something about them that hasn’t been easy. Eating disorder, suicide attempts, drugs, alcohol, porn, whatever it is. Everyone has their battles.
For me, every day is like a constant battle with my urges. My scars get lighter, my urges get stronger to get the cuts back. It’s a vicious cycle. Some days are easier and some days feel like a lifetime. However, every day I make it without a relapse, I celebrate. I thank God every chance I get (for everything in general) but specifically for helping me fight the urges if they come.
These next pictures are very graphic, real, and raw. This is just a disclaimer for anybody who might be triggered or upset with self harm images. The first two were from freshman year (I believe) and the second two are from now. That is recovery. The scars, the hurt, the memory, will always be apart of me. But luckily, now my recovery and testimony is part of me too.
Thank you for reading about a small part of my life, and know that if you don’t think anybody loves you, always know that I love you. If anyone needs anything, you can reach me on social media @hopetooturnt on Instagram and Twitter.
♫ song of the day // check yes, juliet by we the kings