raw father’s day post

I will be honest with y’all..Father’s Day has always sucked for me. I am a very positive person and I try my hardest to ALWAYS look on the bright side of any situation I am in. However, I have never had a true “father” in my life. And that’s a tough pill to swallow, even after 17 years and counting.

 

This year, I dedicated my dance solo to my father. He passed away on December 13, 2014 from extensive brain damage from an overdose that happened when I was 3 years old. He had been addicted to drugs since before I was born..and y’all, drug addictions (or any addiction, for that matter) is a nasty, nasty disease. It is a lifelong battle. I have never been addicted to drugs or anything like that, but I know what its like to crave something unhealthy. I know how it is to relapse. I know that my daddy fought as hard as he could to stay away from the bad things, but in the end he lost his fight to addiction after just ONE fateful night. He laid in bed for the next 9 years of his life, losing all his functions. When he took his last breath, he could not walk, talk, or barely move. He had painful and violent spasms, and had a feeding tube. He slept for most of the day, and it was hard for him to keep his eyes open. The only time he would open his eyes was to watch my dance videos…he was so proud of me. I hope I am still making him proud from Heaven.

 

My hair, my colouring, my Colombian roots, I get all of those things from my father. I never had him fully in my life, but I know I am a reflection of him. I know he loved me, and I will never stop loving him.

 

Father’s Day sucks. It hurts. I’ve had many father’s days where I would be so angry at God, wondering why I had to be put through this. Why couldn’t I have a normal family. Why, why, why. It tore me to pieces to ask the “why” questions-because I never got a response.

 

I dedicated my solo to my dad, titled “Daddy’s Angel”, and the song is In the Arms of an Angel by Sarah McLachlan. I danced with a picture of him from when I was a baby, visiting him in one of his many rehab facilities. I performed it for the very last time today..and I felt my dad on stage with me. I forgot about the judges, the cheers, the audience..it was just my daddy and I on that stage, in that theater. When I was finished, I didn’t think about the mistakes I made, about the score I would get..I thought about how proud he is of me. Multiple people came up to me after and told me how much my solo touched their hearts, how well I portrayed my story…y’all, I can’t explain my emotions for each compliment I received. No score can EVER match the words that were said about my dance. I touched peoples’ hearts, doing the thing I love…its insane. Its an insane feeling.

 

losing a parent is a really hard thing its impossible to explain its full of so many emotions and guilt and asking yourself what could I have done better could I have prevented this why did this happen I hurt so so so so so so so so bad my heart hurts when someone loses a parent its like they lose a part of their heart and body and soul and it sucks and it hurts so bad

 

Give your father or mother or father figure a hug today and every day. Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there.

 

1 Peter 1:3-5 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.

 

 

I love you forever dad. I promise to keep making you proud. I promise.

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4 thoughts on “raw father’s day post

  1. Rex Casterline says:

    I’m glad you realize you are not alone. As a child of the King you are entitled to the privilege and joy of a Heavenly Father who loves you more than words can express. I’m praying for you, Hope.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Maureen Plyler says:

    I have tremendous admiration for you Aubrey. The title of this post describes your feelings perfectly. I have often wondered what happened to your Dad. Thanks for sharing his story. God bless you and your Dad!

    Love,
    Ms. Maureen

    Liked by 1 person

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